My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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