I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Randomize