captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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