god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
