If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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