I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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