Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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