I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
