can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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