I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
