I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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