what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
