chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
