I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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