Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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