Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
