So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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