2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
