just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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