Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
