Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
