Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
