i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
