forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
