You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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