Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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