I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
