I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
