I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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