he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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