It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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