Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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