my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
