You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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