She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
