I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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