went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
