Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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