Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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