I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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