she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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