Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
