Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
