im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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