She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
