I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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