I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
