Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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