The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize