dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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