You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
that may or may not have been my penis.
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