we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
