dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
