i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
