I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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