i wish my penis had a tongue
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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