Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
