You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I came so hard my ears popped.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
