Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
