our cab driver is having phone sex.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
