boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you inspire me to be a worse person
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
