so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
where are my eyebrows?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
