was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
