maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Green mimosas i think yes
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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