Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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