sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
