I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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