i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
