God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
